uncomfortable in my own skin

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
But I’m so lonely
I don’t even want to be with myself anymore

On a different day
if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn’t feel lost and so frightened
But this is today
and I’m lost in my own skin
And I’m so lonely
I don’t even want to be with myself anymore

- Honestly Okay, Dido

I imagine life is difficult upon amnesia victims. Picture yourself becoming conscious, with a full rational intelligence, and recall of large bodies of knowledge — all in one great phosphorescent flash — yet with no remembrance of any of the events in your preceding life that make you you.

I imagine the average human reader is wondering what I am babbling on about. But I am quite sure that those who have significant time invested in an alternate persona likely can understand exactly what I am getting at.

As I have stated before, SL is so much more than a game. As one spends time inhabiting this other life, one becomes connected — no, invested — in the character therein. One does not realize how powerful this attachment can be on the first creation of a character, as one has yet not made such an investment. Nay, it develops over time. As one lives a character, it can bring forth parts of your inner psyche you never knew you had — parts that can now be given voice through your new persona, rather then remaining repressed below layers, entombed as too dangerous for your first identity to explore. Consequently, one may not be prepared for how quickly even a second such character can inhabit vast areas of your mind.

And so the creator, in her less-than-omniscient wisdom, saw fit to cavalierly assign me a visage, and cast me upon the sands of SL’s Orientation Island, with no more than a directive to build a certain business, and a couple thousand Linden Dollars (less than $10 American).

And all was initially well. Upon attaining life, I blazed through the initial avatar orientation, and set out for the Mainland.

And then it hit me – I don’t much like being a vampire. Sure, the look was fairly well executed, but it just did not feel very me. It wasn’t who I was meant to be. It did not even jibe with the nature of my stated purpose – the type of business I would be building.

This just would not do.

And so I started off in search of a me — clothes, shape, skin, AO, everything — more me-like than the current me.

Armed with the instinctual knowledge imparted me by the creator, I knew that I could de-vampirize myself in an evening of teleporting across the grid, looking for high-quality, yet free, replacements for elements of the Vampire Female Jayde look.

And so after some soul-searching, I determined that the creator would find it good that I defer my business building on her behalf, in order to cast myself in an image suitable for being the proprietress of the business I’d be building. Or maybe my vanity merely overcame my more rational self’s objections – who is to say? So I set out in search of a more suitable me. Like a turtle returning to the exact spot of its birth to spawn, I seemed to have an instinctual knowledge of where I could obtain the needed surgery…

– note — I will be placing NSFW material below the fold. This installment probably does not rise to that level, but this will be a first warning :)

And here is the same me, in a state of complete undress. You will no doubt notice that Linden Lab has seen fit to glue my undies to my skin, letting me shed no further.

Vampire Female Jayde undressed

Vampire Female Jayde undressed